“Even At 80, I Don’t Know Everything”

Many years ago, Judy and I were meeting with a young couple about marriage and life. As I was ready to present the “coup de grâce”, the decisive point that would make everything perfectly clear, I looked over and Judy was asleep. Well, you can imagine my chagrin. Did Clementine ever fall asleep when  Winnie was talking about “fighting them on the beaches” ? Did Mamie doze off when Ike was recalling D-Day? When I mentioned this incident, she mentioned, “I heard that story before, so I knew what was coming…”.  Despite being deeply hurt, I let it go and only bring it up occasionally. 

Well to be honest, I can tend to do the same thing at times. If someone is speaking and I’ve heard the story or the point or the joke before, I can tend to switch into “comatose mode”…. my eyes are open, I’m trying to nod at the right places, but my mind is resting.  I can tend to default to my “count the ceiling tiles mode…. let’s see, there’s 10 rows and 5 in each row… 

Yet other times, an alarm goes off and I think, “ Mmmmmmm, wait a minute, I’ve been wondering about that issue, or wow that’s an good explanation to a question I’ve been pondering for quite awhile. I better listen up.

Recently at my grandson’s wedding, Fr. Guy gave a penetrating homily. He  quoted God, Shakespeare, and the story of a young man’s grandfather. 

In the story, the grandson said he  was struck by the grandfather’s response to his question,  “What’s the secret to loving the same woman for a lifetime? He responded, “You don’t love the same woman… she changes every few years. The Woman I married at 22 wasn’t the same woman at 30. Motherhood changed her. Hardships changed her. Time changed her. At 40 she needed respect more than romance. At 50 she needed partnership more than passion. At 60 she needed presence more than promises.” He paused for a moment and added: “Every time she changed I had a choice. I could complain that she wasn’t the woman I fell in love with…or I could  fall in love with the woman she was becoming.” Then he said something I’ll never forget: “The biggest mistake people make is thinking love stays the same. They fall in love once, then stop paying attention. Loving someone for a lifetime means staying curious about them. Keep learning about them. Keep noticing them. Keep choosing them. Never stop getting to know each other.”

While Fr. Guy continued to make other good points, I stayed with that story. It’s something that helped me understand how the love I have for Judy has changed over the years. I recall a few years ago, making some comment I had made over the years and she didn’t smile. I said, “that’s funny, don’t you think…she said “I never thought that was funny”. Wow, it really hit me. I had been saying something stupid that may have been funny 50 years ago, but was not today. Life had changed over our 57 years of marriage. We are different… hopefully for the better. Ways of relating that were helpful in the past, may not be helpful today.

While our love for the Lord and our spouse and others should grow over the years, how it is expressed needs to change also. Today our love is expressed in more care giving, in helping the other with chores and visits to doctors, etc. God has helped me to realize more how she is truly His greatest gift to me. I need to grow in expressing that love.

It was a thought provoking homily. I wasn’t counting the ceiling tiles. Even at 80, I don’t know everything.